Copyright 2022 Bennett, Coleman & Co. Ltd. All rights reserved.For reprint rights: Samsung presents the awesome Galaxy A23 5G to Shantanu Maheshwari! I think you are making the same mistake a lot of step-parents make instead of accepting the reality of the situation. What Lies Do to a Marriage? Allow All Cookies. Related Reading: 5 ways to deal with your husbands parents. And most marriages dont have any issues with their in-laws as most of them live their separate lives and are aware that they should mind their own business. It may seem like he loves them more than he loves you. Why is it that mothers find it that difficult to see their son be happily married? Show him these rewards and it'll give him reasons to keep trying and growing. You girls need to be a in a stable home without substance abuse or constant fighting. First, take a step back and breathe. Because marriage isnt about who is wrong and who is right. So dont give up on him immediately. You will find honest storytelling and our inspiring people tackle issues that so many of us face but are afraid to talk about. Being with such a man is a real struggle. And starting a family with a man can be a beautiful thing, but at the same time, its a tricky one. He can't go 24 hours without talking to her. In a case like this, you need to make it very clear to your husband that the two of you are a united team, and that you need to make decisions for yourselves, regardless of what his parents might think or want. However, if you dont communicate your problem, hell never realize that youre feeling neglected. It is up to them as a couple how they work through it. Hear me out on this. When two people tie the knot, no matter how much time they have spent together before, something changes. You and your partner must put in an equal amount of effort, propose solutions, and have each others backs no matter what. For example, if his parents have made most of his decisions for him, and hes just meekly gone along with it and deferred to their judgment, then he may expect you to do the same. Manage Settings Thats not how issues are solved. We share subjects that impact your daily life and we primarily discuss and write about all things related to relationships, breakups, mental health, astrology and much more. Best sneakers, best brands! Seems like the sooner you wrap your head around that, the better. When you are marrying someone and promising to spend your life with them, it is a given that your spouse will be your first priority. You find yourself doubting everything that youve created with this man because it seems as if he isnt yours anymore. In most Indian families, especially in joint ones, sons are expected to be there and fulfil every need of their parents, even if it means prioritising them more than their wife. After the pheras, a dish of uncooked rice is placed before the newlyweds, and whatever name the husband chooses to write in the rice becomes the new name of his wife. If your situation is similar, it helps to remember that Indian men do develop very strong relationships with their mothers and they do keep reminding their sons that they did sacrifice a lot to give them better lives and they would have to reciprocate when they are ready for that. This page contains affiliate links. You have the right to make your own decisions. Copyright A Conscious Rethink. We dont get to choose our family members, but we do get to choose our life partners. One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to leave your wife alone. If you dont, then you could be alienating him from you. You honor your children when you put your spouse first. It's always a good thing to see your husband spending time with his family and . Most of the time he is not realizing the pressures he is putting on his wife by having an entourage of relatives always at home. Does he take their side or let them disrespect you? Of course, theyre important to him. If your husband was raised by very domineering or controlling parents, he might still be very cowed and obedient with them even when and if it comes to your marriage and life decisions together. My wife constantly pleaded with me to not drink, not drink too much, or to not go out at all I'd still go out, drink too much and get drunk . For example, if his parents are lending (or giving) you the money to put a down payment on your house, then they may use that as leverage to make decisions about which house you buy. Its just that the bond that he has with his family is strong and you have to show him that he has a family on his own now. They always rely on their mother regardless of whether they live alone or if theyre married. Unfortunately, that's not the way my family sees it. They think that their mothers are vulnerable and should not upset them, whereas the wives are stronger and are capable of handling the worst. Sometimes the decision such as which college your son should study in or when your daughter should come back home become topics of family round table conferences. Your feelings havent been a priority to him for a long time and that has to change now. Your husband could be a mamas boy or he could be having a strong bond with his mother but that does not mean you will resent it and keep on cribbing that your husband chooses his family over you. Basically, by behaving the way hes doing now, hes in breach of contract. For those couples, the next step is either finding their own apartment and paying rent or living in the same house as their in-laws. Loving your mother and loving your wife are two completely. Parenting . Simply click here to chat. You have to know that youre not alone in this situation. Instead, show compassion and understanding. And the same thing applies to every issue that you might face in the future. Thats how he ends up spending more time with his family than with you. And then there are times when men choose to live with their parents even though they have some other options. If my dignity is being squashed by your own parents, you will choose to stay silent. Their partners rely on them for that. Should he balk at that idea, or insist that you back down and accept abuse and ill treatment for the sake of maintaining familial harmony, then youll have some tough decisions ahead of you. But dont let those feelings turn into resentment. So its time to act as such. This scary and stressful situation is a reality for many married women in India. Its not uncommon in married life for there to be fights and arguments between a wife and a mom-in-law or husband and father-in-law. Hence, the only solution here is to be firm about your stance and ask your husband to equally respond to both sides of the argument. You hardly have the guts to stand for the person, who left everything for you her family, her home! How could you act like everything is normal? So most often what happens is the husband keeps fulfilling the financial and psychological needs of his family and the wife and his own children are often asked to compromise. If your husband sees that he's neglecting his family in . Dont let your emotions govern your actions and dont let them turn into resentment. If it has come to the point that you needed to put that question into words, the chances are that youre not going to like the reply as well. If you cant respect me or my family, please stop demanding it. Your husband may even be pretty cheery when relatives come, but he can also be oblivious about you getting stressed attending to the entourage. In that case, you will have to support him to stand by his family. One tactic to be aware of is that of isolating your husband and trying to persuade him to side with them. If he insists on spending every weekend with his family, you are well within your rights to say no and to do your own thing instead sometimes, especially if your relationship with his family is a little strained. He had told me, throughout our marriage and the last month, that he wasn't changing. Speaking badly about his family or his character will only make the situation worse. Does your husband choose his family over you? One of the pillars of a healthy relationship is having good communication with your partner. Except a zombie would actually acknowledge your existence. Thats especially the case if theyre pressuring him. The problem was, he loved them more than me." How To Make Him Fear Losing You: 17 Effective Ways, 11 Daily Struggles Youll Face While Dating A Mamas Boy. I know it hurts when your husband chooses his family over you. Understanding your spouse, being attentive to them and fulfilling every kind of need of the spouse is your first priority. As odd as it sounds, theres a logical explanation for this. We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. But sadly, for you, my pain is meaningless. News . Suggest spending more time together as a family. As a consequence, your man spent a significant amount of time with his family, be it family dinners, gatherings, or game nights. I want the line in the sand, and I want my people on my beach. Their childhood and pre-birth bond are still very much present, and it is very likely that the son is incapable of admitting the faults of the mother. And so did he. In such instances, ask your husband to limit such visits to the weekend only or you can also attend to your own schedule without having to heart taunts about it. You should never criticize your husband for something hes done. There is no big secret to things, just play the game wisely. You want your husband to remember that you play a significant role in his life, but you cant go out of your way every single time for them because he has a family on his own now. The dynamics of a house changes when a new person comes in. That way there is no misunderstanding and festering. Start visiting your parents more often and spend more time with them, just as your husband does. In those helpless moments, I would just pray to God that for once He exchanges our places. But not choose her publicly. Lets take a look at possible reasons why your husband chooses his family over you. So, next time he chooses to spend a bit more time with his father than with you and chooses to go golfing with him, chances are hes doing it because he wants to satisfy his father and keep the peace between you. But there is a balance to be struck here. Sure, he may be very close with his blood family, but he chose you to be part of this family. When two people tie the knot, no matter how much time they have spent together before, something changes. And thats a beautiful thing. Dont expect that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if youre living in the same house. Create your own boundaries, your husband will start realizing what is possible and what is not possible. They are the only known and loved the face in a house full of strangers, at times. It can seem that your marriage is falling apart and that your husbands spending more time with his family than with you. And so, it remains a constant battle for a married woman to get her husbands attention over the in-laws. Sitemap . When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. This kind of situation can be incredibly hurtful, and can undermine everything that the two of you are trying to build together. He's not even your boyfriend! This can get complicated if the parents are helping you financially. The attitude starts to shuffle, the ideas are different, the future plans are different, and their responsibilities shift. Whenever I was insulted, I stayed silent to maintain the sanity of the house, hoping you will try to make your parents understand their faults. Unfortunately, the same applies to their sons. Stop pouring all your attention and energy into your selfish husband, and direct it at yourself instead. I know that youre hurt now. You have to take a step back so he can figure out that he needs to change. The Bonobology Team comprises expert writers who have been writing on this specialized subject of relationships for a long time and have a deep understanding of couple relationships and its ramifications. The one thing that absolutely has to be acknowledged and addressed, however, is how you feel when his family members mistreat you, and how you feel when he doesnt stand up for you if and when this happens. And you dont know what to do about it. If you dont say it, your husband wont know it. He has to want it. Theres no shame in getting help from a trained relationship counselor (either by yourself or with your partner) who can listen to your concerns and offer helpful advice to navigate your way through the issue. Your gut instinct tells you to confront him face-to-face, to tell him everything thats been on your mind for the last couple of months. Why is it that only the mothers in law are the ones who are the most difficult to please? Have an honest and open conversation with your husband, 3. If you see that your husband is prioritising his family and spending time with them more, then you can also start doing the same. Related Reading: 5 reasons why the Indian family is killing the Indian marriage. Heres a request to every husband out there: Stand up for your wife and protect her from the attacks that come from the people close to you. Basically, if your husband is showing you that youre not top priority in his life, then make yourself the priority in yours. Realize he is their child first and he lived with them much longer than he lived with you. Men are mysterious creatures and mostly they keep things for themselves. Sometimes youll feel as if he has no other option but to choose them over you. And you may go along with that because hey, theyre helping you buy your first house together, and thats really nice of them. But over time, that parent-child bond that he shares can become a burden to your marriage. Sadly, many women believe that they can read their partners minds. However in the past three years, it has gotten worse. Your husband might not even know that you feel that he is choosing his family over you. Your husband may even be pretty cheery when relatives come, but he can also be oblivious about you getting stressed attending to the entourage. Battle lines have been drawn, so to speak. If your husband is choosing his family over you, you also choose your family over him. This brings us to the perennial dilemma of what to do when your husband is too attached to his family. I left my whole life behind to create a beautiful future with you. They are not much helpful during such nasty in-law conflicts. Second, by allowing him to. However, the relationship, in itself, is not as easy. As such, he needs to understand that compromises need to be made. Its difficult to change them now., Why you focus so on what they say. They may say things like Are you okay with this? or Is this what you want? or Do you agree?, Make sure your husband is prepared for this. Also, a mamas boy is afraid to move somewhere else as he doesnt want to be far away from her. He feels a need to show his family that they are still important to him. 17 Examples Of Condescending Remarks + Behavior, 7 Reasons You Say Things You Dont Mean (+ How To Stop), How To Resolve Circular Arguments In A Relationship: 11 Effective Tips, He gets defensive when I tell him how I feel (22 tips that will help), 13 Signs Youve Put Emotional Walls Up To Protect Yourself, How To Stop Comparing Yourself To His Ex: 10 Effective Tips, When To Leave A Lying Spouse: 11 Things To Think About, Why People Make Fun Of Others + What To Do About It, I Have A Gut Feeling Hes Cheating, But No Proof (14 Things To Do). Its pretty adjustable once or twice a week, but when it becomes a frequent affair, it can be a burden on you. Refusing to move far away from their mom, or even still living with her. It is fine not to take sides. But, with a bit of teamwork and his willingness to change, anything is possible. The way to approach situations where his parents feel that it is okay to force their views and wishes upon you is to do so tactfully and respectfully. Clear and transparent communication is very necessary to get your thoughts across to your husband. He has to choose to do things differently if he wants to have a future with you. What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and they get a say in all decisions big and small regarding your lives and that of your children? I didnt leave my parents and my home to be treated like an educated maid. Avail years best deals on our marriage courses! The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. Here are 12 things you could do to make the dynamics of your relationship with your husband vis-a-vis his family more streamlined: They could be working or they could be homemakers but it is a fact that the Indian mothers life revolves around children. Here is some expert advice for you. Posted on Last updated: December 23, 2021, My husband chooses his family over me. In this case, women feel alone and unprotected from the onslaught of the family. This way he should be able to understand his faults and then, in turn, you both can set some healthy boundaries in the marriage. Remember, youre a team and you can only solve this problem if you stick together. And youre tired of always doing that because his mom might think you dont know how to cook. 2. This can cause a major rift if youre more independent, or if you want to build a strong marriage without mommy and daddy thinking that they can rule the two of you right into adulthood. Try to ignore the bad things and look for the good ones.. People also start to take each other for granted and reactdifferently to, Why is it that we only hear about women being difficult acceptors? Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. Its no surprise when relatives come knocking at your door any time of the week. Lets get this straight. Tell him that you had the same issue, that you had a hard time focusing on your marriage and choosing him over your parents. You are his wife, they are his children. Being with a husband who sides with his family every time is an excruciating situation to contend with. We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. Instead, hell understand why you feel that way and try his best to change for the better. You feel betrayed and abandoned by your husband. Fighting wont resolve the issue at hand, ever! Speak to him honestly about your feelings and emotions. Husband. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Find out about the latest Lifestyle, Fashion & Beauty trends, Relationship tips & the buzz on Health & Food. If you are living with your in-laws, it might happen that your husband comes back home and heads straight to his parents room and comes out of there only after an hour or two? Its a well-known fact that women mature faster than men. Simply, How To Deal With A Husband Who Wont Talk To You About Anything, 7 Simple Tips To Be Happy In An Unhappy Marriage, 13 Sad Signs Of A Selfish Husband (+ How To Deal With Him), 5 Reasons You Feel Trapped In Your Relationship/Marriage, 16 Surefire Ways To Get Your Marriage Back On Track, 14 Signs Of Emotional Neglect In A Relationship, How To Deal With Someone Who Repeatedly Disrespects Your Boundaries, How To Get People To Respect You: 7 No Bullsh*t Tips That Actually Work. Is it that mothers find it that mothers find it that only mothers! When your husband will start realizing what is possible husbands spending more time his... To talk about and the same thing applies to every issue that learn., in itself, is not as easy t go 24 hours without to! 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